Super Smash Bros Brawl

Super Smash Bros Melee + shit online

Have I gone after a Wii game before this?  I think this is the first one.  Either way, I don't really care.  Maybe I should do a few posts on "Why Your Favorite Consoles Suck" and throw the Wii out there first.  Add some variety to this blog.  Anyway, I've always been a fan of Smash Bros.  It's nowhere near being a traditional fighter, but it's still a load of fun with friends.  Unfortunately for Nintendo, we're now in the age of internet gaming, so good offline multiplayer no longer cuts it.  And while Super Smash Bros Brawl has one hell of an offline multiplayer and is packed with content, everything else falls short.  I'm also willing to say it's a must-buy for its soundtrack alone, but...

She was asking for it.

Let's get straight to the two big, fatal problems present in Brawl.  We all know the game's strength is in its local multiplayer anyway.  That's still good.  We also get a plethora of single player modes, similar to what we saw in Super Smash Bros Melee, including a relatively long single player campaign.  A lot of these modes will hold your attention for a while, but the campaign, titled Subspace Emissary (where the hell did they get that name from?) might elicit more groans than anything else.  If you don't rush through it, you're looking at 10-15 hours on Normal difficulty (if I remember correctly).  And it gets really annoying too, as the checkpoint system is all over the place at the end, and sometimes unforgiving.  But really, you just run and jump for long periods of time, flailing around like a retard to beat up a bunch of repetitive enemies, just to get to some random boss that you'll beat handily once you figure out its pattern.  It's so goddamn boring.  Hours and hours of my life went down the drain just to see a bunch of half-assed cut-scenes.  Ugh.

 Not so funny now, huh?

And now, the second fatal flaw.  The online multiplayer.  To call Super Smash Bros Brawl's online system "bare-bones" is a disservice to the online multiplayer of games like Dead Space 2.  It's not just bare-bones, it's almost nonexistent.  You can play up to three other people in Free-For-All match-ups, and that's all there is to it.  You choose your character, everything else is picked randomly from the four players' settings.  Fucking amazing, right?  Maybe it would be, but Nintendo's online infrastructure is so abysmal that they can't even handle a certain amount of people playing online at one time, so you have to play your match in SLOW-MOTION due to LAG!  They knew this game would sell millions, how in the FUCK were they not PREPARED?  On top of that, you can't even talk or message people online.  Get real, Nintendo.  You can send in pictures and videos of stuff you do, and Nintendo will weekly send out their choices of the "best," so then you can see the creations of soulless nerds who spends dozens of hours creating one 10-second video, just so that Nintendo sends out their hard work (anonymously lmao) for everyone else to appreciate.  

 It's just not your day, Ike.

There's a bit more though.  They send out player-made stages that you can have for a limited time, but if you want player-made stages permanently, you're going to have to download them elsewhere, because you can't get them in-game.  The stage builder is laughable anyway, so whatever.  Casino addicts, there's a mode for you to gamble on online matches. You can watch a random online match (only thing more fun than playing a lag-filled multiplayer is WATCHING it) and then bet coins on who you think will win.  Which is quite literally like betting on a dice roll considering that you know absolutely nothing about the players in the match outside of their character.  Unless three guys inexplicably choose Jigglypuff, you'll have no idea who might be the favorite to win.  That's right, there are no stats in this game.  It doesn't count wins, kills, damage dealt, Final Smashes used, or anything.  There are no leaderboard rankings, skill levels, or even a point system.  So, it's a boring lagfest, and there isn't even a reason to keep playing.  Nintendo online in a nutshell.  

7/10

Resident Evil 3

The 3 stands for how many hours it takes to beat the game.

I'm going back to the PlayStation to pick on another fan-favorite.  Resident Evil 3, following the gripping atmosphere and epic scope of Resident Evil 2, fails to do its predecessor justice in any way.  Outside of running like hell from Tyrant every now and then, there wasn't even anything that stood out about this game.

So actually, the reason Resident Evil 3 is greatly overrated is not because its mechanics are any worse than the previous Resident Evil games, but because it's just a watered down version of them.  You'll beat this turd in around 3-4 hours and then automatically assume that there's another scenario or character for you to play afterwards, and then you'll be horribly disappointed.  Yeah, you can only play as Jill, and unlike Resident Evil 2, there aren't any alternate scenarios.  What the hell?

 Aww... he just wants a hug.

 You get past that, and then you see that there was nothing added to make up for the lack of content.  The mini-scenarios after you win are even crappier than they were in Resident Evil 2, the tank controls aren't any better, and the dialogue might actually be even worse, back to the days of the original Resident Evil.  There are fewer puzzles, fewer bosses, fewer everything.  And the atmosphere has absolutely nothing going for it, a complete step back from Resident Evil 2.  The worst part is that Tyrant is supposed to make this game great by himself, and everybody raves about his chase scenes.  I still have no fucking idea why, because I never really had a problem getting around him and therefore was never even close to being scared.  So take that out, and why the hell was I supposed to buy this game?  Notice how short this "review" is.  I don't have much to say because there isn't much to this game.  

6.5/10

Final Fantasy X-2

The sequel that might ruin your great memories of Final Fantasy X.

 

 As promised, I will follow up on Final Fantasy X with its sequel, X-2.  I know this isn't a "favorite" game for most people, but I do think its critical reception warrants inclusion on my hate list.  I mean, 85% on Metacritic for this load of crap?  Proof that a game can get great scores just based on its title.  There is no real point in buying this game unless you want to see Yuna and Rikku in skimpy outfits.  

The first problem is, quite obviously, with the characters.  Square Enix knew their game was going to suck, so they put the three heroines in gaudy costumes, once again showing the universal belief that women can't succeed without good looks and sexual appeal.  I guess they're kinda right, but it's still annoying because Yuna was such a good character in Final Fantasy X without a revealing getup.  Rikku... do I even have to say anything?  You find out she's had a past intimate relationship with one of the men in the game.  Considering that she's 17 years old, you can safely assume that she was screwing this guy when she was 13 or 14, which is hilarious.  Then we've got Paine, who is a dyke.  Don't know where the hell she came from, but she should've been left out.

 

 The only good part of the game: some girl-on-girl action.

The story sucks.  Its linear progression is incredibly boring, and you pretty much have to play through it twice, doing absolutely everything right, to get the full ending.  Hell, you have to use a walkthroughs just to get the real ending your first time through because there's stuff you've gotta do without any clue at all.  Not to mention the backstory does very little to complement Final Fantasy X and is mostly pulled out of thin air.  A lot of people complain that Tidus comes back at the end and say the "bad" ending in which Tidus stays dead should be the true one.  I say Tidus should've never been seen in the water at the end of Final Fantasy X and that this game should've NEVER EXISTED.  There's your true ending.

 

 Sit down, LOSER.

The battle system is kinda cool, I guess.  It's similar to the old class-based Final Fantasy games, and it leads in to Final Fantasy XIII in a way.  My main issue is that the bosses aren't very tough, and I found Final Fantasy X-2 to be even more of a cakewalk than its predecessor.  The music is mediocre too, there are some good tunes, but the entire soundtrack pales in comparison to Final Fantasy X.  Also got to give a shout-out to this game's atmosphere.  It sucks.  If you remember the awesome lightning place from X, then you'll hate what Square has done to it this time around.  The frickin music doesn't even match!  Why were they so lazy with this game?!

5/10

Overrated: Final Fantasy X

Why is this fucker on the cover? I want Yuna!

 Ok, for the first time, the Gaming Connoisseur is not going to bash a game that sucks.  In fact, I think Final Fantasy X is pretty good.  However, I do believe that it's overrated by both fans and critics.  It's linear, the story is average, and there are a lot of cheesy moments.  But for some reason, it just has that "It" factor that makes it a really entertaining game.  But with the problems I mentioned, and considering that it's one of the highest rated games of the PS2, GameCube, and Xbox era, I do feel the need to add it to my list.  Oh, and this time I'll go ahead and warn you that there will be spoilers.

The first thing I'm going to go back and forth on is the cast of characters.  Tidus (pronounced TEE-dus lmfao) looks and acts like a total pussy.  He's a high-energy guy, which is better than some previous Final Fantasy main characters like emo Cloud and Squall, but in combination with his colorful get-up makes him look like a gay (ok I'm not a homophobe, so the reason this is bad is because he falls in love with a girl, leaving me confused).  He does not deserve to be the main character.  The story is about Yuna's trip as far as I'm concerned, and he's just along for the ride.  Yuna is awesome.  And then everyone else sucks.  Rikku is the high-energy female who never loses her good spirits.  Even when Tidus is disappearing (spoiler alert) she is jumping and waving while everyone else is sad (seriously, wtf).  Wakka is a Hawaiian guy, which is pretty cool, except he's the captain of a merry band of loser blitzball players, like a video game version of the Mets' David Wright.  Then Square Enix needed an emo, so they added Lulu.  Then there's a cat thing, and Auron, who is pretty cool.

 DURRRR.. HURHURHURHURHURHUR!!!!!!!

The story has its good and its bad.  The good is that Tidus is actually not alive lol.  I also like how it's not based on a war with the good guys hopelessly outnumbered.  That's always a plus.  And Yuna's sending in Kilika is one of the most iconic moments in gaming.  The bad: literally every fucking moment with Tidus.  Ahem *clears throat* ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...  Btw.. what's up with godawful lip-syncing?

 Wakka's merry band of losers before a match.

 The only other problem is that Final Fantasy X was the beginning of Final Fantasy's turn to linearity.  While the pacing is actually really good, there's virtually nothing for you to do outside of continue walking straight ahead to continue the main quest.  This really sucks considering that Spira actually has an interesting world that would be very fun to explore.  But NO, we can't have exploration in games anymore, because developers think most gamers are too stupid and won't know what the hell to do if they don't lay everything out in a straight line.  While they're totally correct, that doesn't mean it's ok.  This continues until the very end of the game, in which we can be transported to various parts of the world map.  Yay...  

8.5/10 - And you can expect me to follow up with Final Fantasy X-2 in the coming days....