Super Smash Bros Brawl

Super Smash Bros Melee + shit online

Have I gone after a Wii game before this?  I think this is the first one.  Either way, I don't really care.  Maybe I should do a few posts on "Why Your Favorite Consoles Suck" and throw the Wii out there first.  Add some variety to this blog.  Anyway, I've always been a fan of Smash Bros.  It's nowhere near being a traditional fighter, but it's still a load of fun with friends.  Unfortunately for Nintendo, we're now in the age of internet gaming, so good offline multiplayer no longer cuts it.  And while Super Smash Bros Brawl has one hell of an offline multiplayer and is packed with content, everything else falls short.  I'm also willing to say it's a must-buy for its soundtrack alone, but...

She was asking for it.

Let's get straight to the two big, fatal problems present in Brawl.  We all know the game's strength is in its local multiplayer anyway.  That's still good.  We also get a plethora of single player modes, similar to what we saw in Super Smash Bros Melee, including a relatively long single player campaign.  A lot of these modes will hold your attention for a while, but the campaign, titled Subspace Emissary (where the hell did they get that name from?) might elicit more groans than anything else.  If you don't rush through it, you're looking at 10-15 hours on Normal difficulty (if I remember correctly).  And it gets really annoying too, as the checkpoint system is all over the place at the end, and sometimes unforgiving.  But really, you just run and jump for long periods of time, flailing around like a retard to beat up a bunch of repetitive enemies, just to get to some random boss that you'll beat handily once you figure out its pattern.  It's so goddamn boring.  Hours and hours of my life went down the drain just to see a bunch of half-assed cut-scenes.  Ugh.

 Not so funny now, huh?

And now, the second fatal flaw.  The online multiplayer.  To call Super Smash Bros Brawl's online system "bare-bones" is a disservice to the online multiplayer of games like Dead Space 2.  It's not just bare-bones, it's almost nonexistent.  You can play up to three other people in Free-For-All match-ups, and that's all there is to it.  You choose your character, everything else is picked randomly from the four players' settings.  Fucking amazing, right?  Maybe it would be, but Nintendo's online infrastructure is so abysmal that they can't even handle a certain amount of people playing online at one time, so you have to play your match in SLOW-MOTION due to LAG!  They knew this game would sell millions, how in the FUCK were they not PREPARED?  On top of that, you can't even talk or message people online.  Get real, Nintendo.  You can send in pictures and videos of stuff you do, and Nintendo will weekly send out their choices of the "best," so then you can see the creations of soulless nerds who spends dozens of hours creating one 10-second video, just so that Nintendo sends out their hard work (anonymously lmao) for everyone else to appreciate.  

 It's just not your day, Ike.

There's a bit more though.  They send out player-made stages that you can have for a limited time, but if you want player-made stages permanently, you're going to have to download them elsewhere, because you can't get them in-game.  The stage builder is laughable anyway, so whatever.  Casino addicts, there's a mode for you to gamble on online matches. You can watch a random online match (only thing more fun than playing a lag-filled multiplayer is WATCHING it) and then bet coins on who you think will win.  Which is quite literally like betting on a dice roll considering that you know absolutely nothing about the players in the match outside of their character.  Unless three guys inexplicably choose Jigglypuff, you'll have no idea who might be the favorite to win.  That's right, there are no stats in this game.  It doesn't count wins, kills, damage dealt, Final Smashes used, or anything.  There are no leaderboard rankings, skill levels, or even a point system.  So, it's a boring lagfest, and there isn't even a reason to keep playing.  Nintendo online in a nutshell.  

7/10