Yeah, another Call of Duty, I can't help but go after all the recent games in this series. They're all shit. Their intense popularity pisses me off because it reminds me of how stupid the general masses are. It doesn't matter if it's the same game every year, if they market it hard enough, people will buy. If they sold Black Ops with a big black dick that raped you every time you opened the case, people would still buy it. At least Black Ops has one thing going for it; it's not as hilariously retarded as its predecessor, Modern Warfare 2. But it's still pretty fucking stupid.
I'm not going to waste much of my time with the multiplayer or core gameplay. If you don't know/think it's the same game as Call of Duty 4, World at War, and Modern Warfare 2, then you've had your head up your ass for a long time. The multiplayer is the same exact thing as Modern Warfare with its (mostly) tiny maps and lack of team coordination. You can roll now. Woo-fucking-hoo. Black Ops is a linear corridor shooter like the previous games, with rehashed mission design and a load of pointless set-pieces.
Guess which orifice I'm going to
stick this in.
The game starts off with the main character in an interrogation room, and you'll have to put up with this shit in between many of the missions. Then you find him going to attempt an assassination of Fidel Castro during the Bay of Pigs. Mason seemingly succeeds in assassinating Castro, but of course it was actually a double. Then Mason gets captured and sent to the Soviet Union where he's thrown in prison and befriends some Soviet guy named Reznov. The Soviet guy just happens to be a former partner of the men that tortured Mason after his capture. What a coincidence. They start a prisoner revolt and Mason is able to fight his way out despite the presence of Soviet troops (lmao).
Mason and a few other men go to the Soviet Union to fuck up the Soviet space program, led by Dragovich. They blow up a spaceship (pretty awesome, actually) but Dragovich escapes. Then they go to Vietnam, and after fucking up some squints, they meet up with a Russian defector who happens to be... you'll never guess... Reznov (or... appears to be Reznov...). They go to Laos to find a wrecked plane, but are overwhelmed by commie bastards. Mason and Reznov are the lucky two to escape. Hudson and Weaver, other dudes accompanying Mason, are fighting elsewhere and discover some plot to release poison in America, or some shit like that. They need to find some station and stop the broadcast of.. instructions?.. that would release the poison. How convenient that the Soviets had no other way of releasing the poisons.
Fuck you, Legos.
Well, it ends up that Mason was brainwashed the whole time, Reznov was dead, and a whole bunch of other shit that I don't even want to try to comprehend because it's so goddamn stupid. Hudson and Weaver had Mason strapped up to the chair in the game's present time, though it also ends up that Reznov had brainwashed Mason to kill the Soviet guys. The numbers base is underwater and they go there and kill Dragovich, and America wins. It's implied that Mason assassinates JFK. Why can't we just have a regular Vietnam shooter without all the brainwashing, secret poison, space ship, conspiracy BULLSHIT? Even World at War blows this inane garbage out of the water.
5/10
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