Dragon Age: Origins

Um.  This game sucks.

I love Fantasy, I love role-playing games, I love epic battles, I love dragons, I love ages, and I love origins.  So if a game has all of the above and still manages to suck such asshole, then there is something really wrong.  Quite frankly, I believe BioWare paid off websites to make sure this game received universal acclaim.  I can see how most gamers these days are stupid enough or blinded enough by what everyone else says to like a game like this.  But how gaming journalists, people who typically have been gaming their entire lives, can play a game broken in virtually every respect from its The Lord of the Rings ripoff story to its combat that doesn't pick up until halfway through, its long-winded and boring dialogue, its lack of significant choice-and-consequence, its art direction that ranges from banal to hideous, its repetitive quests, and yet STILL rate this as one of this generation's greatest games is honestly just unbelievable. 

The orc army leaves Minas Morgul under the gaze of the Nazgûl.

I'll start with the story, which is, as I've said, a complete ripoff of The Lord of the Rings.  And yes, Dragon Age fans, it is a ripoff when you take every other idea from Tolkien.  There's a difference between being influenced by him and just plagiarizing his ass and Dragon Age crosses that line by a mile.  You can choose several different characters to start with, and each one changes the ending slightly and gives you a different opening scenario.  You then go to Osgiliath, which is the fortress city that stands guard over the orcs and the darkness that comes with them (you know, like in The Lord of the Rings when orcs take over places it gets blighted, like Minas Ithil becoming Minas Morgul).  The orcs are corrupted elves, humans, and dwarves like they are in The Lord of the Rings.  Anyway, the king is slaughtered after one of his greatest generals leaves the battle, and Osgiliath is overrun, meaning the orcs have an open path to Minas Tirith.  

As one of two surviving Grey Wardens, it's your job to build an army by gaining the support of the earl in Edoras, the mages in Isengard, the dwarves of Moria, and the elves of the Woodland Realm.  Then you need to put Aragorn, your party member and true king of Ferel- I mean Gondor, on the throne.  The return of the king will provide much-needed stability to the country.  So when the orcs make a diversionary move to Edoras and catch everyone off-guard (which makes perfect fucking sense because how can't you mistake a few thousands orcs for the entire army when you already know there are hundreds of thousands in their ranks?), the vast majority of their army moves on Minas Tirith. Then you kill the Sauron Dragon and died.  Unless, of course, you make a deal with Morrigan to impregnate her and let her keep the kid which no sane person would pass up because who in the hell would choose death over sex, especially when the mother has already stated she won't even require child support.  When that's the biggest choice you have to make all game, then wtf?

The mages live in a tower called Isengard.

Then we get stuck with all this fucking dialogue, where you can either be nice to everyone (pussy) or be an asshole to everyone (douche-bag).  But you have to sit through sooooo much of it, which might be all right if the story had even a hint of originality.  The dwarves have a caste system to set them apart from Tolkien dwarves, but they're still stubborn turds, and the elves are mortal and live in squalid conditions after years of human subjugation, yet they're still arrogant and belittling.  But enough about that shit.  The combat doesn't help matters either.  We get MMO style point and click, then wait for the battle to end.  Later in the game it picks up big-time as strategy and making correct commands are important, but through the first half of the game, it often just sucks.  The real bad thing is how repetitive the quests are.  They're soooo very long-winded with soooo many battles, that you'll probably have a headache shortly after you leave Osgiliath.  Not only that, but the side quests are pretty much all the same as well, leaving me to just say "fuck all the people" and move on with my life.  I just don't get it; how is a game hailed as epic and deep be so goddamn boring?

Morrigan: The obligatory bitch.

I'm tired of typing at this point, but I guess I really need to point out my other big problem with this game.  It's fantasy, and yet there is no adventuring.  Imagine my shock, as someone who has experienced hours upon hours of Fantasy adventuring in The Elder Scrolls, The Legend of Zelda, Shadow of the Colossus, Alundra, etc, when I saw that traversing the overworld occurs on a map.  Give me a fucking break.  The adventuring in each level isn't even any good thanks to the lack of any kind of original or appealing art direction whatsoever.  The cities look like any other Fantasy city I've ever seen, Isengard looks the same as it did in The Lord of the Rings, Moria is nothing special, and the Woodland Realm is an eyesore.  So to sum it all up: Dragon Age: Origins is a banal Lord of the Rings clone that is tedious, ugly, and very lucky (though not for us) that Tolkien isn't alive to see the series shut down due to plagiarism.

5.5/10