Resident Evil 5

Capcom: Killing an entire series with just one game.

I'm going to start with the story (this game doesn't even deserve an introduction) partly because Resident Evil isn't known for having a deep plot to begin with, and yet this one manages to suck so much in that aspect that it has to be brought up.  So the game starts with Chris Redfield being sent to Africa.  We'll just stop right there.  Since when has the world given a shit about Africa?  So many problems in America and Europe, but they go to Africa?  Gtfo.  Anyway, Chris gangs up with a hot mixed blood girl (mostly because they couldn't stand to make an actual black woman a main character in a key franchise, and also to lessen the perceived racism of a white man slaughtering a bunch of black people by himself) named Sheva to stop a guy from selling a bio-weapon (never seen this story before).  To make a long and very boring story short, Albert Wesker is somehow still alive and controlling everything, as is Jill Valentine (being controlled by Wesker, I literally meant what I said about him controlling everything, and with a fucking mind-control device too).  Wesker turns into a huge tentacle-armed monster and everyone kills his ass.  It ends with Chris going all philosophical on us.

Chris Redfield age 25 (left) and age 35 (right). Kids, this is why you should definitely take steroids.

Ok, let's move on from the story, which isn't the focus of the game anyway.  It's a zombie-killing game, so let's talk about killing zombies in Africa.  The first strange thing is that about a fourth of the zombies are white.  Obviously, Capcom got tired of the racism charges, so they felt the need to replace many of the black zombies with white ones.  I feel like giving them a thumbs up for taking a stand against racism, but since they couldn't even make a true black character a protagonist and instead stuck with a mulatto, they lose any credit I was going to give.  Anyway, as everyone knows, the gameplay in Resident Evil 5 is similar to that of Resident Evil 4.  Which was good back in 2005, but sucks now.  Yeah yeah, it's better than old Resident Evil tank controls, I know, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.  You still can't shoot while moving, which is awful in a game that is completely action-based.  In fact, they had to slow the tougher monsters down significantly just so that it wouldn't be frustrating.  The chainsaw zombies even pause for a moment before cutting your head off.  

 No worries, it gives you plenty of time to get out of the way.

Almost everywhere you go, there are an abundant of places to take cover like in Gears of War.  Except the cover system completely sucks in comparison, and you'll definitely find yourself slipping out at the wrong moment and getting punished on the higher difficulties.  There are no scary moments in this game, not even pseudo-creepy moments like there were in Resident Evil 4.  The Lickers even suck now (pun actually unintentional); how the hell did they manage that?  There are a lot of set-pieces here as well, including riding a boat around (boring) and shooting at pursuing zombies from a jeep (snooze).  The "best" part is playing online, which is better because then you don't have to suffer through an idiotic computer-controlled partner.  You can keep saving money to buy upgrades and stuff, but it's pretty much the same shit game that is all action, horrible puzzles (remember these actually being decent in Resident Evil 4?), and laughable Call of Duty-esque set-pieces.  The graphics are the only positive aspect in this entire game.  I know a lot of gamers have figured out the magical way to "play graphics," but if you're not one of those people, then stay the hell away from Resident Evil 5. 

4.5/10